GOD FUCKING DAMN IT

This evening at about 7:45, I was shopping at BJ's when my phone rang.

It was Sacky, telling me that he and the baby had just been rear-ended by a drunk driver.

He did not, actually, mention the part about the guy being drunk, since we didn't find out about that until later.

The baby is fine. Sacky has a hurt neck and back, and he is very, very upset and angry. He is also hurting a lot.

Oddly enough, I am not upset or angry at all.

We had to eat Denny's for dinner. It was terrible and it made me feel sick. Sacky hated his milkshake. The baby threw about 8 spoons on the floor. Some weird rednecky people talked to the baby.

Sacky feels that the car is certainly totalled. He is probably right, given the fact that it is smashed on both ends, the rear door in particular being displaced about 2 feet into the interior of the actual car. Sacky is very upset about the car.

Sacky said that he could tell when he looked at the guy's insurance card that he was a drunk driver who had done it before, because the guy had crappy Maryland insurance.

So, there we have it. Rather than actually keeping people like this guy, who do real damage, off the roads, our wonderful government is busy persecuting me for not filing paperwork.

That's fucked up.

STILL LAUGHING. HARD. 15 MINUTES LATER

For any of you who have NOT seen the movie "Little Miss Sunshine," I just have to say that I highly recommend it.

I don't know what else to say besides that. The movie speaks for itself.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

No matter how sick I get, I NEVER throw up. NEVER. I generally have to drink a fifth of hard liquor straight to get myself to throw up.

I JUST THREW UP.

I have been sick for days. I hate it. Earlier tonight, my fever hit 102.7. I feel that this is very impressive! I can't remember ever having a fever like that before. I had the worst chills- and I HATE chills.

I took some Tylenol and the fever dropped to about 101.5.

THEN

I felt the chills coming back so I took 3 more Tylenol. I HATE CHILLS

THEN

I puked.

As a puking experience, however, this one was not so bad. Generally, what I dislike so strongly about puking is the horrible acidic taste.

However, I had had so much Gatorade in my efforts (largely unsuccessful) to keep from becoming dehydrated, that this particular episode of vomiting was not much like vomiting at all. It was more like drinking pure Gatorade in reverse.

AND

Now I feel much better.

BUT

I am wondering if I will be sick for the rest of my life. Right now I am thinking I probably will be.

AND

My sink is now stained the brilliant blue of grape-berry Gatorade.

WHAT KIND OF CHILD AM I RAISING?

All by himself, my 9-month-old son just grabbed my computer, typed in a few letters in the URL bar, pressed enter, and brought up this website.

I really don't know what to think.

BUT, WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO WEAR PRADA?

Recently, I watched The Devil Wears Prada. Then I watched it about 3 more times.

I have a morbid fascination with this movie. I just don't get it. Is it really possible that people take this fashion thing so seriously?

At first I thought that perhaps the appeal was creative- like art that you can wear. But upon reflection, that makes no sense, because it's just all stuff that someone else chooses- it's not self-expression because it's not acceptable to dress in anything other than what is currently in vogue.

Sacky said it is all about money. People want to wear designer clothing because it costs a lot, and when they are seen wearing it, everyone will know that they have money.

I say that there has to be something else to it. I refuse to believe that people care so much about the way others percieve them that they would starve themselves and waste thousands of dollars on designer clothing.

So...I asked Sacky to find me some modeling shows on the TiVo so I could try and figure it out.

He found me The Janice Dickenson Modeling Agency. I cannot stop watching it. I have seen one episode of it 3 times already.

The Janice Dickenson Modeling Agency is a reality show. It is the worst show I have ever seen in my life. It is a lot like The Anna Nicole Show (which, I recall, I was also compelled to watch) except that everyone on it is completely serious.

Everyone on the show is obsessed with their appearance and the way they walk. They really take the walking thing seriously- a staircase in a fashion show is seen as a very difficult challenge. They refer to people's appearance as their "talent." As in, "John has really been developing his talent. He did everything we told him to. He didn't eat for a week before this show."

I don't get it. These people look sick, they are so thin!

On another subject, I started watching so much teevee because the baby is sick, meaning that I have to sit on the couch all day with him lying on my stomach. He has been pooping all over everything about every 5 minutes, he's had a fever and once he threw up. Sacky took him to the doctor yesterday, and it seems he has a stomach bug and croup. He's getting much better though, which is a good thing, because everyone in this house needs to start getting more sleep, and soon.

Tonight Sacky is not cooking because he is too tired. I'm not going to cook chicken (which is all we have) because I'm not good at it. See the comments on Sacky's blog for a full discussion of this. So I decided that perhaps we should get some Olive Garden.

I was going to order fettucine alfredo, but then I found out that it has 97 grams of fat in it, so I'm not going to order that anymore. I will get one of their low-fat entrees (which still has 18 grams of fat!) instead.

I guess I'm done writing now, because The Janice Dickenson Modeling Agency is coming on.

I AM NOT A VERY GOOD CRIMINAL

I had my trial today for driving on a suspended license, and I was not very good at it.

I couldn't figure out when I was supposed to stand up or sit down, so I hoped that they wouldn't call me first so I could just copy everyone else. Of course, they called me first, so when I got up there in front of the judge, I just tried to copy the lawyer, who remained standing.

But then, he looked at me expectantly and gestured toward the chair, so I sat down. Unfortunately, that was wrong, and right up there in front of everyone we had to go through this long thing about how I should pull out the chair but remain standing so I was near the microphone.

I don't know what the other people in the courtroom thought of this, but now that I think about it, I guess that most of them were probably too drunk to notice. There were some real quality people in that courtroom.

The lawyer probably thinks I'm a total idiot because I also couldn't remember how old I was or when my child was born, which is normal for me because I don't care about stuff like that, but I'm sure he thought it was dumb.

Also, some other guy asked me if I had a PD and I didn't know what that was.

I almost went into law, too. My LSATs were 99th percentile, but then I just decided that I would keep teaching music lessons instead, because going to law school would be expensive. Probably a good thing, given the fact that I have no idea what is going on when I'm in a courtroom.

Everyone else was there being on trial for driving drunk, while speeding, and resisting arrest and such.

I was found guilty of being bad at filing paperwork, and sentenced to probation before judgment, or PBJ, which is not, in this case, a sandwich. I also have to pay a fine of $57.50. The judge said $100, but the paper they gave me said $57.50, and the court guy I talked to, the one who gave me the paper, he said that was right. I hope I don't mess this up again, but I guess it will be all right, because that's what they said.

I don't think this is a big deal, because all I have to do is avoid driving drunk for a year, and the whole thing goes away. They told me that I can get as many speeding tickets as I like (although I've never gotten a speeding ticket anyway) as well as any other minor traffic offenses.

So I'll have to lay off the alcohol while driving for a while.

Darn.

I HATE THE MVA

Ok, so after my long hiatus, I have finally found something worth writing about.

I am a disorganized person. So the only way that I know to go renew my tags is when the police pull me over and tell me they are expired.

I actually don't think this is a horrible thing. But I guess the police and the MVA would disagree with me.

So...sometime late last year I got pulled over for expired tags. I got a ticket for expired tags. Then, the police officer told me my license was suspended. He gave me a second ticket, and informed me that there was a mandatory court appearance for ticket #2. I was really confused about that, since I have never had a moving violation. It also seemed kind of weird to me that I had never received notice of any suspension.

So, I didn't worry about it too much, and assumed it must be a mistake. The officer then told me that I wasn't allowed to drive home. I, having no experience with these things, assumed he really meant it, and that I had to sit on the side of the road for hours with my screaming child in the back seat (the officer previously having refused me permission to reach back and put his pacifier back in his mouth).

Eventually, seeing how dumb I was, he informed me that he just had to tell me not to drive, and that while it would be taking a risk, I should probably go home. So I did.

Then, I began the long process of trying to figure out what to do about this problem. The officer said that maybe they hadn't mailed me notification that I needed to renew my tags because I hadn't done my emissions inspection. So, I went to do my emissions inspection, except that I couldn't find the emissions inspection place for a really long time, and that sucked. But I did find it, and they waived the $100-or-so late fee, which was nice of them.

So then I still couldn't figure out what was going on, so I asked Sacky, since I didn't remember ever getting a ticket. He said it must be a red-light ticket that I got in the city, so we paid that, and then called the MVA to see if everything was straightened out.

After 3 or so days of trying their phone over and over again (busy), they said, no, there is another ticket on your record. Apparently, in 2004, I was also pulled over for expired tags, and never paid the ticket. So they gave me the number for the ticket, and told me I had to go to the courthouse to pay for it.

So, I did. I went to the courthouse and gave them the number for the ticket, and paid the ticket, and assumed all was well.

Then I got my court summons, and Sacky decided it was best to hire a lawyer, since they can send you to jail for driving on a suspended license. The lawyer costs $500.

We went to see the lawyer yesterday. He said that the worst that could happen would be probation before judgment. Then he said he needed us to get him a copy of my driving record.

So today, I went to the MVA to get a copy of my driving record. The line was out the door. In the waiting room, there was a sign that originally had read something like: "Thank you for your patience," except that someone had blacked out a few of those letters, and the sign now reads: "Thank you for your pa i n," which I thought was a lot more appropriate, since very few people there were very patient, and no one was very happy.

After nearly an hour, they finally got to my number. So I went up and requested a copy of my driving record and they said: "There is a suspension on your license, so I'm going to take it. You have to pay this ticket to get it back."

I was pretty mad, because I knew I had already paid the ticket. I told the lady so, and she said that I needed to bring the receipt back to them to get the suspension lifted. So she wrote down the number of the ticket and I went home, passing my old history teacher, who apparently was having a similar problem. He asked where my cello was, offered some sympathy and shared his own horror story.

So, once home, I found my receipt, which did not match. So I had to go to the courthouse AGAIN to pay the old ticket, instead of the recent ticket, which is what they had, in error, told me to pay.

Then I went back to the MVA, and got a new number. Decided to get my license renewed at the same time, since I already had had to cancel all my plans for the day.

1 hour later: Sacky gets bored and decides to go shopping.
1 hour 15 minutes later: The baby gets hungry. I breastfeed him in the MVA. The guy sitting next to me looks visibly uncomfortable, because he is apparently an uptight idiot.
1 hour 20 minutes later: The baby gets squirmy, and as he comes off the nipple, my left breast creates a stream of milk that shoots across the room, reaching the chair in front of me. The aforementioned guy looks a little less comfortable.
1 hour 30 minutes later: I, not having had the time to refasten my left breast into its receptacle, am called. I hope no one will notice that I am half bra-less because I have a big coat on. I get my license picture taken holding the baby (down very low so as not to be seen). I resolve to have as silly a smile as possible- I will post a picture below. Although I think that I could have done better if I had really tried, I am still pleased with the result.

1 hour 40 minutes later: I am told that I need to get A NEW NUMBER to get my driving record. I am not happy.

1 hour 50 minutes later: Sacky returns from his shopping trip. He is amused by my driver's license photo.
2 hours later: I am called a second time, and FINALLY get my driving record from a lady whom Sacky has dubbed "Ultra-Crab."
2 hours 5 minutes later: We finally leave. We drop off the paperwork at the lawyer. Then go home.

It irritates me to think that a lot of this could have been avoided if the MVA would PLEASE COMMUNICATE. It should not have taken a week's effort to get WRONG INFORMATION about what to do about this problem- not to mention that any notice that my license was suspended ought to have been sent certified mail.

Now I have to go to court about this on Friday, and I don't want to.

I hate the stupid MVA.