THINGS ARE LOOKING UP

Today the baby did not go to sleep at his normal time (which happens to also be the only time the YMCA will watch him).

So I decided to take him to the Y and see if I could maybe exercise. I fully expected this to end in the baby's becoming very upset, which it did, but then he did get over it and I got some exercise in.

I feel very happy.

I FEEL BETTER

Ok, so Sacky was right. Putting the baby in the car with a biscuit works and I can play my cello for a little while.

I'll admit to being more than a little overtired while writing my last post.

Thanks, everyone, for all the advice.

I DON'T WANT TO BE A HOUSEWIFE

Lately all I have time for is cleaning my house and watching the baby and not sleeping. I'm just not cut out for it. Watching the baby is boring.

I'm not learning anything and I'm not doing anything I want to do. I guess this is more because of Sacky's accident than the baby, but I'm not sure.

The baby gets up every night in the middle of the night and I hate it. There is no way to get him to go back to sleep. He sleeps about six hours a night, but often wakes up in the middle of it. I need eight hours of sleep. I have a lot of trouble napping during the day. I have a permanent headache.

Occasionally, the baby naps. I use this time to prepare food, to eat, to shower, to pump, and to clean. I hate pumping. Also, despite pushing myself as hard as I possibly can to try to clean the house, the house remains a disgusting mess. This is not me being a perfectionist. The house is unacceptable by anyone's standards. I am incapable of keeping a house clean. I just don't know how to do it, especially since I don't have a lot of time to work with.

I don't want my mother-in-law to come over. Sunday is the only day I ever get to relax, and it's just not relaxing having her here. She is the most judgmental person I have ever met in my life. She judges people for doing something and then does exactly the same thing herself. I don't need that right now.

I am just not cut out for this whole raising children thing. I don't find it meaningful at all. It's nice having a baby and all, but I don't want to be the one who has to get up in the middle of the night and watch him all day long and all that stuff. I can't leave the room for 2 minutes without him yelling about it. Then I feel guilty and I hate that too.

I have a new viola da gamba student. This has reminded me how much I love the viol and how much I miss doing early music. However, I have no time for it, and I don't even own a gamba. If I did own a gamba, I couldn't practice it anyway, because the baby grabs my bow whenever I try to play. I can't play when he's asleep because he wakes up immediately, besides which I have to try to clean the house.

I tried to have a rehearsal on Thursday. I brought the baby, because I had to. Someone else watched the baby from the other room. He just screamed. So we let him in the room with me, and I attempted to rehearse one of the Telemann Canonic Sonatas with a screaming boy literally attached to my cello. He pulled up on my cello and draped himself over my tailpiece and looked at me and screamed. I can't even figure why, but this has made me so depressed I don't even know what to do. It took two hours to get about 15 minutes of rehearsal in.

I can't go to the gym anymore. I haven't been to the gym in months. When I was going, every time they would come and get me and tell me that the baby seemed fussy and that wasn't like him- and then look at me expectantly like I should take him home. Now it's not part of his routine anymore and if I take him he will scream just like he did at that rehearsal.

I don't like feeling like I can't take care of myself when I need to. I feel stagnant- like my whole life is going nowhere.

I really wish I had a viola da gamba. And some time.

I FEEL REALLY RUN DOWN

I'm tired. And I don't feel good. And I feel very stressed.

Sacky's accident took a lot out of me, I think. He is starting to feel better now, but it really took a lot out of me.

Also, I am dehydrated again today. You really have to drink a lot to nurse a 9-month-old baby. It's hard to drink that much and I always forget, and then I don't drink enough at work because the water tastes like chemicals, and now I have a headache.

The baby keeps getting up in the middle of the night, and he won't go back to sleep because he wants to get up and play. This makes me very tired.

Sacky's mother is coming this weekend and the thought makes me want to throw up. It's very stressful when she is here because she can be very inconsiderate and shallow.

The cat is bothering me.

That's all for now.