Sunday, December 16, 2007


I got tagged. So that means I actually have to post something.

The rules:
  • Link to the person that tagged you, and post the rules on your blog.
  • Share 7 facts about yourself.
  • Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.
  • Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

1. I hate being pregnant. And I said I was going to have another baby when I got to be 180 pounds. Which is 20 pounds from now. And I'm not excited about it. So we were watching this documentary on evolution and dinosaurs and it was talking about the placenta and how it was such a great thing for mammals and, to be honest, it didn't seem that way to me, so I said to my husband, "I would like to lay an egg."

2. Currently I am trying to learn the cello solo part to the Beethoven Triple Concerto in a total of less than three weeks.

3. I become very crabby when I don't exercise. Currently I haven't exercised for exactly one week, which is the longest period I have gone without exercise since last winter.

4. My house is exceptionally messy. But I try very hard to clean it up.

5. As of several days ago, there is a big-screen television monstrosity in my house. This has led me to realize that perhaps I enjoy teevee watching more than I had thought.

6. I have seen the movie "Tenacious D" three times in the past week. Each time it amuses me more.

7. This week I heard from several people I hadn't heard from in a long time, and this makes me very happy.

All my online friends were already tagged by Funky. So I won't be tagging anyone.

Sunday, March 04, 2007


I got a viol student who started a few weeks ago. He's had two lessons. I think I mentioned this before.

I got an email from said viol student several days ago which said (I'll summarize):

"You won't believe this, but apparently I owe $50,000 in back taxes on a recent inheritance from my father. I am selling my instruments and much of my art collection. I would JUST LOVE to sell you my viol for about half of what I paid for it."

I was so stunned, and I feel so bad about jumping at this guy's misfortune, that I hadn't emailed back. He called me today, and I said I got his email. I said that I was very interested in the instrument, but not sure about when I could come up with the money (thinking that a few weeks would probably be too long.) He said, well, that doesn't really matter to me, but what do you think- 6 months or a year or so, would that be ok?

I about fell over and said I thought I could do much better than that. He said he was delighted to be able to sell me the instrument because he knew I wanted one and it was like his contribution to the art world. He said he felt very satisfied with his decision.

So this guy is basically GIVING me $2000 or so. And he's happy about it. And I feel really guilty. Especially since people do this sort of thing around me a lot and I feel like I never develop myself enough to deserve it. I am worried that I won't be able to practice viol enough because of the baby or because I'll get frustrated or something, but most of all I just feel guilty about profiting from my student's big problem.

So then he said, "Well, I'm worried that something will happen to it, so I'd like to drop it off with you in the next few days. We'll worry about payment later."

I kind of don't get it. Did people not notice that I'm mostly not that remarkable? All I do with myself is sit in my house with a baby, exercise, and teach lessons. I don't have a fancy title or anything like that, or give any big, high-exposure performances.

So why are people always trying to help me out this way? Several years earlier, one of my other students lent me $9500 interest-free to buy a cello. Plus I got an awful lot of free money, like $15000 or so, in college in addition to my tuition waiver just to spend on whatever I wanted, for being talented or something, I don't know.

I just feel like I'm not that special and maybe all these people who keep doing this will someday notice that I'm a big impostor, and then it will be very embarassing and terrible.

I can't believe I get a viol though. I've desperately wanted one for 7 years, and I can't believe I actually get one.

Friday, February 23, 2007


Today the baby did not go to sleep at his normal time (which happens to also be the only time the YMCA will watch him).

So I decided to take him to the Y and see if I could maybe exercise. I fully expected this to end in the baby's becoming very upset, which it did, but then he did get over it and I got some exercise in.

I feel very happy.

Monday, February 12, 2007


Ok, so Sacky was right. Putting the baby in the car with a biscuit works and I can play my cello for a little while.

I'll admit to being more than a little overtired while writing my last post.

Thanks, everyone, for all the advice.

Saturday, February 10, 2007


Lately all I have time for is cleaning my house and watching the baby and not sleeping. I'm just not cut out for it. Watching the baby is boring.

I'm not learning anything and I'm not doing anything I want to do. I guess this is more because of Sacky's accident than the baby, but I'm not sure.

The baby gets up every night in the middle of the night and I hate it. There is no way to get him to go back to sleep. He sleeps about six hours a night, but often wakes up in the middle of it. I need eight hours of sleep. I have a lot of trouble napping during the day. I have a permanent headache.

Occasionally, the baby naps. I use this time to prepare food, to eat, to shower, to pump, and to clean. I hate pumping. Also, despite pushing myself as hard as I possibly can to try to clean the house, the house remains a disgusting mess. This is not me being a perfectionist. The house is unacceptable by anyone's standards. I am incapable of keeping a house clean. I just don't know how to do it, especially since I don't have a lot of time to work with.

I don't want my mother-in-law to come over. Sunday is the only day I ever get to relax, and it's just not relaxing having her here. She is the most judgmental person I have ever met in my life. She judges people for doing something and then does exactly the same thing herself. I don't need that right now.

I am just not cut out for this whole raising children thing. I don't find it meaningful at all. It's nice having a baby and all, but I don't want to be the one who has to get up in the middle of the night and watch him all day long and all that stuff. I can't leave the room for 2 minutes without him yelling about it. Then I feel guilty and I hate that too.

I have a new viola da gamba student. This has reminded me how much I love the viol and how much I miss doing early music. However, I have no time for it, and I don't even own a gamba. If I did own a gamba, I couldn't practice it anyway, because the baby grabs my bow whenever I try to play. I can't play when he's asleep because he wakes up immediately, besides which I have to try to clean the house.

I tried to have a rehearsal on Thursday. I brought the baby, because I had to. Someone else watched the baby from the other room. He just screamed. So we let him in the room with me, and I attempted to rehearse one of the Telemann Canonic Sonatas with a screaming boy literally attached to my cello. He pulled up on my cello and draped himself over my tailpiece and looked at me and screamed. I can't even figure why, but this has made me so depressed I don't even know what to do. It took two hours to get about 15 minutes of rehearsal in.

I can't go to the gym anymore. I haven't been to the gym in months. When I was going, every time they would come and get me and tell me that the baby seemed fussy and that wasn't like him- and then look at me expectantly like I should take him home. Now it's not part of his routine anymore and if I take him he will scream just like he did at that rehearsal.

I don't like feeling like I can't take care of myself when I need to. I feel stagnant- like my whole life is going nowhere.

I really wish I had a viola da gamba. And some time.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007


I'm tired. And I don't feel good. And I feel very stressed.

Sacky's accident took a lot out of me, I think. He is starting to feel better now, but it really took a lot out of me.

Also, I am dehydrated again today. You really have to drink a lot to nurse a 9-month-old baby. It's hard to drink that much and I always forget, and then I don't drink enough at work because the water tastes like chemicals, and now I have a headache.

The baby keeps getting up in the middle of the night, and he won't go back to sleep because he wants to get up and play. This makes me very tired.

Sacky's mother is coming this weekend and the thought makes me want to throw up. It's very stressful when she is here because she can be very inconsiderate and shallow.

The cat is bothering me.

That's all for now.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007


This evening at about 7:45, I was shopping at BJ's when my phone rang.

It was Sacky, telling me that he and the baby had just been rear-ended by a drunk driver.

He did not, actually, mention the part about the guy being drunk, since we didn't find out about that until later.

The baby is fine. Sacky has a hurt neck and back, and he is very, very upset and angry. He is also hurting a lot.

Oddly enough, I am not upset or angry at all.

We had to eat Denny's for dinner. It was terrible and it made me feel sick. Sacky hated his milkshake. The baby threw about 8 spoons on the floor. Some weird rednecky people talked to the baby.

Sacky feels that the car is certainly totalled. He is probably right, given the fact that it is smashed on both ends, the rear door in particular being displaced about 2 feet into the interior of the actual car. Sacky is very upset about the car.

Sacky said that he could tell when he looked at the guy's insurance card that he was a drunk driver who had done it before, because the guy had crappy Maryland insurance.

So, there we have it. Rather than actually keeping people like this guy, who do real damage, off the roads, our wonderful government is busy persecuting me for not filing paperwork.

That's fucked up.