Worst Ride Ever
Well, this weekend I learned something. Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to use a bike trail on Labor Day.
The trail was jam-packed with slow-moving, oblivious people with nothing better to do than get in my way. There was a woman who had to stop riding her bike for a smoke break. There were countless groups of people just standing in the middle of the trail for no good reason. One couple just stopped short, not bothering to relocate to the ample grassy area right next to them, in order to unwrap a leash from around their poodle. This caused a total of 3 bikers, including myself, to have to stop short and clip out. I hate clipping out.
To make things worse, my diet for the morning had consisted of nothing but carbohydrates, so I was already low on energy. Finally, after about 5 miles, I managed to summon the energy to go a little faster, although as it turned out, this was a useless impulse.
Not 2 minutes had gone by before I saw Sacky swerve around and skid, and lo and behold, some girl on a tiny little bicycle appeared approximately two inches from my front wheel. So I screamed and somehow both of us avoided hitting her, but we were both pretty shaken up. As we rode away, I heard her explaining to her father, "Daddy, I squiggled."
No shit. Perhaps she should have considered that squiggling is not a good activity for when you are looking backwards.
We finally got to the Monkton Village Market, which had no standing room inside, then couldn't find a seat outside for a while. It was hard to walk around because little kids had stacked up bicycles in the parking lot, where they don't belong.
On the way back, since I had actually eaten, we did a little better, and kept it between 18 and 20 miles an hour for a few miles. Then I had to stop completely for a two year old to toddle across my path in a leisurely fashion to her parents who, for some reason I cannot fathom, were not on the same side of the trail as she was. Also
By this time I just gave up. Sacky had dropped me a while ago, having avoided the two year old. So I just pedaled my way little by little back to the van.
Then Sacky decided he needed to change his pants. He couldn't wait to change his pants until we got to the movie theater a few minutes down the road. He had to change them right then. So he did, right outside our van. I can't say I was much better, because I proceeded to use my breast pump while in the car.
We went to see Beerfest, which was good in the first half, and hysterical in the second.
By the time we got out I was completely slap-happy.
Sacky needed some underwear, so we went to Sears.
I hate shopping. I spent the entire time that we were in the store fighting a nearly uncontrollable urge to try running up the 'down' escalator to see if I could do it. I refrained, because there was a clerk right next to the 'down' escalator.
We finally finished, an interminable ten minutes later, and went to the register. I presented my credit card to the clerk, who gestured to the electronic thingy you slide yourself. I slid the card, and then calmly signed the electronic pad as "2 extra butts".
Nothing happened. I thought that the machine had frozen up because it knew that "2 extra butts" was not my real name. I thought for sure that finally, I was going to be caught at signing the wrong name to the credit card receipt, and I was going to have to explain myself, and that this was all going to occur for my best credit-card-reciept signature yet, because what could be funnier than explaining to the clerk at Sears why I had just written "2 extra butts" on my credit card receipt...
I just stood there and started to giggle. I just lost it standing there in front of the electronic signature thingy, and it was all for nothing, because as it turned out, the clerk just hadn't been paying attention, and hadn't hit his button or whatever he's supposed to hit to tell it to take my signature, and he NEVER EVEN LOOKED at my wonderful creation, and now I'm upset because I don't want to reuse it, but I don't think I'll ever come up with anything better as long as I live.
I giggled the whole way home. Actually, I'm still giggling as I write this.
The trail was jam-packed with slow-moving, oblivious people with nothing better to do than get in my way. There was a woman who had to stop riding her bike for a smoke break. There were countless groups of people just standing in the middle of the trail for no good reason. One couple just stopped short, not bothering to relocate to the ample grassy area right next to them, in order to unwrap a leash from around their poodle. This caused a total of 3 bikers, including myself, to have to stop short and clip out. I hate clipping out.
To make things worse, my diet for the morning had consisted of nothing but carbohydrates, so I was already low on energy. Finally, after about 5 miles, I managed to summon the energy to go a little faster, although as it turned out, this was a useless impulse.
Not 2 minutes had gone by before I saw Sacky swerve around and skid, and lo and behold, some girl on a tiny little bicycle appeared approximately two inches from my front wheel. So I screamed and somehow both of us avoided hitting her, but we were both pretty shaken up. As we rode away, I heard her explaining to her father, "Daddy, I squiggled."
No shit. Perhaps she should have considered that squiggling is not a good activity for when you are looking backwards.
We finally got to the Monkton Village Market, which had no standing room inside, then couldn't find a seat outside for a while. It was hard to walk around because little kids had stacked up bicycles in the parking lot, where they don't belong.
On the way back, since I had actually eaten, we did a little better, and kept it between 18 and 20 miles an hour for a few miles. Then I had to stop completely for a two year old to toddle across my path in a leisurely fashion to her parents who, for some reason I cannot fathom, were not on the same side of the trail as she was. Also
By this time I just gave up. Sacky had dropped me a while ago, having avoided the two year old. So I just pedaled my way little by little back to the van.
Then Sacky decided he needed to change his pants. He couldn't wait to change his pants until we got to the movie theater a few minutes down the road. He had to change them right then. So he did, right outside our van. I can't say I was much better, because I proceeded to use my breast pump while in the car.
We went to see Beerfest, which was good in the first half, and hysterical in the second.
By the time we got out I was completely slap-happy.
Sacky needed some underwear, so we went to Sears.
I hate shopping. I spent the entire time that we were in the store fighting a nearly uncontrollable urge to try running up the 'down' escalator to see if I could do it. I refrained, because there was a clerk right next to the 'down' escalator.
We finally finished, an interminable ten minutes later, and went to the register. I presented my credit card to the clerk, who gestured to the electronic thingy you slide yourself. I slid the card, and then calmly signed the electronic pad as "2 extra butts".
Nothing happened. I thought that the machine had frozen up because it knew that "2 extra butts" was not my real name. I thought for sure that finally, I was going to be caught at signing the wrong name to the credit card receipt, and I was going to have to explain myself, and that this was all going to occur for my best credit-card-reciept signature yet, because what could be funnier than explaining to the clerk at Sears why I had just written "2 extra butts" on my credit card receipt...
I just stood there and started to giggle. I just lost it standing there in front of the electronic signature thingy, and it was all for nothing, because as it turned out, the clerk just hadn't been paying attention, and hadn't hit his button or whatever he's supposed to hit to tell it to take my signature, and he NEVER EVEN LOOKED at my wonderful creation, and now I'm upset because I don't want to reuse it, but I don't think I'll ever come up with anything better as long as I live.
I giggled the whole way home. Actually, I'm still giggling as I write this.
posted by Phoooiee | 5:33 AM
1 Comments:
Great god. I am laughing my ass off.
2 extra butts. Jesus.
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