Phoooiee

I POSTED SOMETHING

2007-12-16T09:18:00.000-08:00

I got tagged. So that means I actually have to post something.

The rules:

Link to the person that tagged you, and post the rules on your blog.
Share 7 facts about yourself.
Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.
Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

www.funkysmith.blogspot.com

1. I hate being pregnant. And I said I was going to have another baby when I got to be 180 pounds. Which is 20 pounds from now. And I'm not excited about it. So we were watching this documentary on evolution and dinosaurs and it was talking about the placenta and how it was such a great thing for mammals and, to be honest, it didn't seem that way to me, so I said to my husband, "I would like to lay an egg."

2. Currently I am trying to learn the cello solo part to the Beethoven Triple Concerto in a total of less than three weeks.

3. I become very crabby when I don't exercise. Currently I haven't exercised for exactly one week, which is the longest period I have gone without exercise since last winter.

4. My house is exceptionally messy. But I try very hard to clean it up.

5. As of several days ago, there is a big-screen television monstrosity in my house. This has led me to realize that perhaps I enjoy teevee watching more than I had thought.

6. I have seen the movie "Tenacious D" three times in the past week. Each time it amuses me more.

7. This week I heard from several people I hadn't heard from in a long time, and this makes me very happy.

All my online friends were already tagged by Funky. So I won't be tagging anyone.

WOW, I'M HAVING TROUBLE BELIEVING THIS

2007-03-04T19:15:00.000-08:00

I got a viol student who started a few weeks ago. He's had two lessons. I think I mentioned this before.

I got an email from said viol student several days ago which said (I'll summarize):

"You won't believe this, but apparently I owe $50,000 in back taxes on a recent inheritance from my father. I am selling my instruments and much of my art collection. I would JUST LOVE to sell you my viol for about half of what I paid for it."

I was so stunned, and I feel so bad about jumping at this guy's misfortune, that I hadn't emailed back. He called me today, and I said I got his email. I said that I was very interested in the instrument, but not sure about when I could come up with the money (thinking that a few weeks would probably be too long.) He said, well, that doesn't really matter to me, but what do you think- 6 months or a year or so, would that be ok?

I about fell over and said I thought I could do much better than that. He said he was delighted to be able to sell me the instrument because he knew I wanted one and it was like his contribution to the art world. He said he felt very satisfied with his decision.

So this guy is basically GIVING me $2000 or so. And he's happy about it. And I feel really guilty. Especially since people do this sort of thing around me a lot and I feel like I never develop myself enough to deserve it. I am worried that I won't be able to practice viol enough because of the baby or because I'll get frustrated or something, but most of all I just feel guilty about profiting from my student's big problem.

So then he said, "Well, I'm worried that something will happen to it, so I'd like to drop it off with you in the next few days. We'll worry about payment later."

I kind of don't get it. Did people not notice that I'm mostly not that remarkable? All I do with myself is sit in my house with a baby, exercise, and teach lessons. I don't have a fancy title or anything like that, or give any big, high-exposure performances.

So why are people always trying to help me out this way? Several years earlier, one of my other students lent me $9500 interest-free to buy a cello. Plus I got an awful lot of free money, like $15000 or so, in college in addition to my tuition waiver just to spend on whatever I wanted, for being talented or something, I don't know.

I just feel like I'm not that special and maybe all these people who keep doing this will someday notice that I'm a big impostor, and then it will be very embarassing and terrible.

I can't believe I get a viol though. I've desperately wanted one for 7 years, and I can't believe I actually get one.

THINGS ARE LOOKING UP

2007-02-23T09:16:00.000-08:00

Today the baby did not go to sleep at his normal time (which happens to also be the only time the YMCA will watch him).

So I decided to take him to the Y and see if I could maybe exercise. I fully expected this to end in the baby's becoming very upset, which it did, but then he did get over it and I got some exercise in.

I feel very happy.

I FEEL BETTER

2007-02-12T07:06:00.000-08:00

Ok, so Sacky was right. Putting the baby in the car with a biscuit works and I can play my cello for a little while.

I'll admit to being more than a little overtired while writing my last post.

Thanks, everyone, for all the advice.

I DON'T WANT TO BE A HOUSEWIFE

2007-02-10T09:22:00.000-08:00

Lately all I have time for is cleaning my house and watching the baby and not sleeping. I'm just not cut out for it. Watching the baby is boring.

I'm not learning anything and I'm not doing anything I want to do. I guess this is more because of Sacky's accident than the baby, but I'm not sure.

The baby gets up every night in the middle of the night and I hate it. There is no way to get him to go back to sleep. He sleeps about six hours a night, but often wakes up in the middle of it. I need eight hours of sleep. I have a lot of trouble napping during the day. I have a permanent headache.

Occasionally, the baby naps. I use this time to prepare food, to eat, to shower, to pump, and to clean. I hate pumping. Also, despite pushing myself as hard as I possibly can to try to clean the house, the house remains a disgusting mess. This is not me being a perfectionist. The house is unacceptable by anyone's standards. I am incapable of keeping a house clean. I just don't know how to do it, especially since I don't have a lot of time to work with.

I don't want my mother-in-law to come over. Sunday is the only day I ever get to relax, and it's just not relaxing having her here. She is the most judgmental person I have ever met in my life. She judges people for doing something and then does exactly the same thing herself. I don't need that right now.

I am just not cut out for this whole raising children thing. I don't find it meaningful at all. It's nice having a baby and all, but I don't want to be the one who has to get up in the middle of the night and watch him all day long and all that stuff. I can't leave the room for 2 minutes without him yelling about it. Then I feel guilty and I hate that too.

I have a new viola da gamba student. This has reminded me how much I love the viol and how much I miss doing early music. However, I have no time for it, and I don't even own a gamba. If I did own a gamba, I couldn't practice it anyway, because the baby grabs my bow whenever I try to play. I can't play when he's asleep because he wakes up immediately, besides which I have to try to clean the house.

I tried to have a rehearsal on Thursday. I brought the baby, because I had to. Someone else watched the baby from the other room. He just screamed. So we let him in the room with me, and I attempted to rehearse one of the Telemann Canonic Sonatas with a screaming boy literally attached to my cello. He pulled up on my cello and draped himself over my tailpiece and looked at me and screamed. I can't even figure why, but this has made me so depressed I don't even know what to do. It took two hours to get about 15 minutes of rehearsal in.

I can't go to the gym anymore. I haven't been to the gym in months. When I was going, every time they would come and get me and tell me that the baby seemed fussy and that wasn't like him- and then look at me expectantly like I should take him home. Now it's not part of his routine anymore and if I take him he will scream just like he did at that rehearsal.

I don't like feeling like I can't take care of myself when I need to. I feel stagnant- like my whole life is going nowhere.

I really wish I had a viola da gamba. And some time.

I FEEL REALLY RUN DOWN

2007-02-07T19:08:00.000-08:00

I'm tired. And I don't feel good. And I feel very stressed.

Sacky's accident took a lot out of me, I think. He is starting to feel better now, but it really took a lot out of me.

Also, I am dehydrated again today. You really have to drink a lot to nurse a 9-month-old baby. It's hard to drink that much and I always forget, and then I don't drink enough at work because the water tastes like chemicals, and now I have a headache.

The baby keeps getting up in the middle of the night, and he won't go back to sleep because he wants to get up and play. This makes me very tired.

Sacky's mother is coming this weekend and the thought makes me want to throw up. It's very stressful when she is here because she can be very inconsiderate and shallow.

The cat is bothering me.

That's all for now.

GOD FUCKING DAMN IT

2007-01-30T21:55:00.000-08:00

This evening at about 7:45, I was shopping at BJ's when my phone rang.

It was Sacky, telling me that he and the baby had just been rear-ended by a drunk driver.

He did not, actually, mention the part about the guy being drunk, since we didn't find out about that until later.

The baby is fine. Sacky has a hurt neck and back, and he is very, very upset and angry. He is also hurting a lot.

Oddly enough, I am not upset or angry at all.

We had to eat Denny's for dinner. It was terrible and it made me feel sick. Sacky hated his milkshake. The baby threw about 8 spoons on the floor. Some weird rednecky people talked to the baby.

Sacky feels that the car is certainly totalled. He is probably right, given the fact that it is smashed on both ends, the rear door in particular being displaced about 2 feet into the interior of the actual car. Sacky is very upset about the car.

Sacky said that he could tell when he looked at the guy's insurance card that he was a drunk driver who had done it before, because the guy had crappy Maryland insurance.

So, there we have it. Rather than actually keeping people like this guy, who do real damage, off the roads, our wonderful government is busy persecuting me for not filing paperwork.

That's fucked up.

STILL LAUGHING. HARD. 15 MINUTES LATER

2007-01-28T19:35:00.000-08:00

For any of you who have NOT seen the movie "Little Miss Sunshine," I just have to say that I highly recommend it.

I don't know what else to say besides that. The movie speaks for itself.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

2007-01-26T19:45:00.000-08:00

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

No matter how sick I get, I NEVER throw up. NEVER. I generally have to drink a fifth of hard liquor straight to get myself to throw up.

I JUST THREW UP.

I have been sick for days. I hate it. Earlier tonight, my fever hit 102.7. I feel that this is very impressive! I can't remember ever having a fever like that before. I had the worst chills- and I HATE chills.

I took some Tylenol and the fever dropped to about 101.5.

THEN

I felt the chills coming back so I took 3 more Tylenol. I HATE CHILLS

THEN

I puked.

As a puking experience, however, this one was not so bad. Generally, what I dislike so strongly about puking is the horrible acidic taste.

However, I had had so much Gatorade in my efforts (largely unsuccessful) to keep from becoming dehydrated, that this particular episode of vomiting was not much like vomiting at all. It was more like drinking pure Gatorade in reverse.

AND

Now I feel much better.

BUT

I am wondering if I will be sick for the rest of my life. Right now I am thinking I probably will be.

AND

My sink is now stained the brilliant blue of grape-berry Gatorade.

WHAT KIND OF CHILD AM I RAISING?

2007-01-26T10:59:00.000-08:00

All by himself, my 9-month-old son just grabbed my computer, typed in a few letters in the URL bar, pressed enter, and brought up this website.

I really don't know what to think.

BUT, WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO WEAR PRADA?

2007-01-24T09:25:00.000-08:00

Recently, I watched The Devil Wears Prada. Then I watched it about 3 more times.

I have a morbid fascination with this movie. I just don't get it. Is it really possible that people take this fashion thing so seriously?

At first I thought that perhaps the appeal was creative- like art that you can wear. But upon reflection, that makes no sense, because it's just all stuff that someone else chooses- it's not self-expression because it's not acceptable to dress in anything other than what is currently in vogue.

Sacky said it is all about money. People want to wear designer clothing because it costs a lot, and when they are seen wearing it, everyone will know that they have money.

I say that there has to be something else to it. I refuse to believe that people care so much about the way others percieve them that they would starve themselves and waste thousands of dollars on designer clothing.

So...I asked Sacky to find me some modeling shows on the TiVo so I could try and figure it out.

He found me The Janice Dickenson Modeling Agency. I cannot stop watching it. I have seen one episode of it 3 times already.

The Janice Dickenson Modeling Agency is a reality show. It is the worst show I have ever seen in my life. It is a lot like The Anna Nicole Show (which, I recall, I was also compelled to watch) except that everyone on it is completely serious.

Everyone on the show is obsessed with their appearance and the way they walk. They really take the walking thing seriously- a staircase in a fashion show is seen as a very difficult challenge. They refer to people's appearance as their "talent." As in, "John has really been developing his talent. He did everything we told him to. He didn't eat for a week before this show."

I don't get it. These people look sick, they are so thin!

On another subject, I started watching so much teevee because the baby is sick, meaning that I have to sit on the couch all day with him lying on my stomach. He has been pooping all over everything about every 5 minutes, he's had a fever and once he threw up. Sacky took him to the doctor yesterday, and it seems he has a stomach bug and croup. He's getting much better though, which is a good thing, because everyone in this house needs to start getting more sleep, and soon.

Tonight Sacky is not cooking because he is too tired. I'm not going to cook chicken (which is all we have) because I'm not good at it. See the comments on Sacky's blog for a full discussion of this. So I decided that perhaps we should get some Olive Garden.

I was going to order fettucine alfredo, but then I found out that it has 97 grams of fat in it, so I'm not going to order that anymore. I will get one of their low-fat entrees (which still has 18 grams of fat!) instead.

I guess I'm done writing now, because The Janice Dickenson Modeling Agency is coming on.

I AM NOT A VERY GOOD CRIMINAL

2007-01-19T13:18:00.000-08:00

I had my trial today for driving on a suspended license, and I was not very good at it.

I couldn't figure out when I was supposed to stand up or sit down, so I hoped that they wouldn't call me first so I could just copy everyone else. Of course, they called me first, so when I got up there in front of the judge, I just tried to copy the lawyer, who remained standing.

But then, he looked at me expectantly and gestured toward the chair, so I sat down. Unfortunately, that was wrong, and right up there in front of everyone we had to go through this long thing about how I should pull out the chair but remain standing so I was near the microphone.

I don't know what the other people in the courtroom thought of this, but now that I think about it, I guess that most of them were probably too drunk to notice. There were some real quality people in that courtroom.

The lawyer probably thinks I'm a total idiot because I also couldn't remember how old I was or when my child was born, which is normal for me because I don't care about stuff like that, but I'm sure he thought it was dumb.

Also, some other guy asked me if I had a PD and I didn't know what that was.

I almost went into law, too. My LSATs were 99th percentile, but then I just decided that I would keep teaching music lessons instead, because going to law school would be expensive. Probably a good thing, given the fact that I have no idea what is going on when I'm in a courtroom.

Everyone else was there being on trial for driving drunk, while speeding, and resisting arrest and such.

I was found guilty of being bad at filing paperwork, and sentenced to probation before judgment, or PBJ, which is not, in this case, a sandwich. I also have to pay a fine of $57.50. The judge said $100, but the paper they gave me said $57.50, and the court guy I talked to, the one who gave me the paper, he said that was right. I hope I don't mess this up again, but I guess it will be all right, because that's what they said.

I don't think this is a big deal, because all I have to do is avoid driving drunk for a year, and the whole thing goes away. They told me that I can get as many speeding tickets as I like (although I've never gotten a speeding ticket anyway) as well as any other minor traffic offenses.

So I'll have to lay off the alcohol while driving for a while.

Darn.

I HATE THE MVA

2007-01-16T12:16:00.000-08:00

Ok, so after my long hiatus, I have finally found something worth writing about.

I am a disorganized person. So the only way that I know to go renew my tags is when the police pull me over and tell me they are expired.

I actually don't think this is a horrible thing. But I guess the police and the MVA would disagree with me.

So...sometime late last year I got pulled over for expired tags. I got a ticket for expired tags. Then, the police officer told me my license was suspended. He gave me a second ticket, and informed me that there was a mandatory court appearance for ticket #2. I was really confused about that, since I have never had a moving violation. It also seemed kind of weird to me that I had never received notice of any suspension.

So, I didn't worry about it too much, and assumed it must be a mistake. The officer then told me that I wasn't allowed to drive home. I, having no experience with these things, assumed he really meant it, and that I had to sit on the side of the road for hours with my screaming child in the back seat (the officer previously having refused me permission to reach back and put his pacifier back in his mouth).

Eventually, seeing how dumb I was, he informed me that he just had to tell me not to drive, and that while it would be taking a risk, I should probably go home. So I did.

Then, I began the long process of trying to figure out what to do about this problem. The officer said that maybe they hadn't mailed me notification that I needed to renew my tags because I hadn't done my emissions inspection. So, I went to do my emissions inspection, except that I couldn't find the emissions inspection place for a really long time, and that sucked. But I did find it, and they waived the $100-or-so late fee, which was nice of them.

So then I still couldn't figure out what was going on, so I asked Sacky, since I didn't remember ever getting a ticket. He said it must be a red-light ticket that I got in the city, so we paid that, and then called the MVA to see if everything was straightened out.

After 3 or so days of trying their phone over and over again (busy), they said, no, there is another ticket on your record. Apparently, in 2004, I was also pulled over for expired tags, and never paid the ticket. So they gave me the number for the ticket, and told me I had to go to the courthouse to pay for it.

So, I did. I went to the courthouse and gave them the number for the ticket, and paid the ticket, and assumed all was well.

Then I got my court summons, and Sacky decided it was best to hire a lawyer, since they can send you to jail for driving on a suspended license. The lawyer costs $500.

We went to see the lawyer yesterday. He said that the worst that could happen would be probation before judgment. Then he said he needed us to get him a copy of my driving record.

So today, I went to the MVA to get a copy of my driving record. The line was out the door. In the waiting room, there was a sign that originally had read something like: "Thank you for your patience," except that someone had blacked out a few of those letters, and the sign now reads: "Thank you for your pa i n," which I thought was a lot more appropriate, since very few people there were very patient, and no one was very happy.

After nearly an hour, they finally got to my number. So I went up and requested a copy of my driving record and they said: "There is a suspension on your license, so I'm going to take it. You have to pay this ticket to get it back."

I was pretty mad, because I knew I had already paid the ticket. I told the lady so, and she said that I needed to bring the receipt back to them to get the suspension lifted. So she wrote down the number of the ticket and I went home, passing my old history teacher, who apparently was having a similar problem. He asked where my cello was, offered some sympathy and shared his own horror story.

So, once home, I found my receipt, which did not match. So I had to go to the courthouse AGAIN to pay the old ticket, instead of the recent ticket, which is what they had, in error, told me to pay.

Then I went back to the MVA, and got a new number. Decided to get my license renewed at the same time, since I already had had to cancel all my plans for the day.

1 hour later: Sacky gets bored and decides to go shopping.
1 hour 15 minutes later: The baby gets hungry. I breastfeed him in the MVA. The guy sitting next to me looks visibly uncomfortable, because he is apparently an uptight idiot.
1 hour 20 minutes later: The baby gets squirmy, and as he comes off the nipple, my left breast creates a stream of milk that shoots across the room, reaching the chair in front of me. The aforementioned guy looks a little less comfortable.
1 hour 30 minutes later: I, not having had the time to refasten my left breast into its receptacle, am called. I hope no one will notice that I am half bra-less because I have a big coat on. I get my license picture taken holding the baby (down very low so as not to be seen). I resolve to have as silly a smile as possible- I will post a picture below. Although I think that I could have done better if I had really tried, I am still pleased with the result.

1 hour 40 minutes later: I am told that I need to get A NEW NUMBER to get my driving record. I am not happy.

1 hour 50 minutes later: Sacky returns from his shopping trip. He is amused by my driver's license photo.
2 hours later: I am called a second time, and FINALLY get my driving record from a lady whom Sacky has dubbed "Ultra-Crab."
2 hours 5 minutes later: We finally leave. We drop off the paperwork at the lawyer. Then go home.

It irritates me to think that a lot of this could have been avoided if the MVA would PLEASE COMMUNICATE. It should not have taken a week's effort to get WRONG INFORMATION about what to do about this problem- not to mention that any notice that my license was suspended ought to have been sent certified mail.

Now I have to go to court about this on Friday, and I don't want to.

I hate the stupid MVA.

I SUCK

2006-11-10T17:52:00.000-08:00

Ok, I know I haven't written anything in a while. But now I'm so unhappy I figured I had to.

I suck. At least when it comes to singing the part of Silverpeal in Mozart's The Impresario.

You see, I am a spinto soprano. A spinto soprano is not the same as a coloratura soprano. I have a lot of flexibility- actually I have been told that my flexibility is extraordinary- but I do not have the high range of a coloratura.

So, as it happens, I am great at singing at all the separate parts of this opera. They all sound great. The problem is, that I can only sing them separately. That's because the part is so persistently high, that after about 2 minutes, my voice is SO TIRED that I can't sing in that register anymore. So I just squeak.

I don't know how to break this to the woman who asked me to sing the part.

I am really hoping and praying that maybe it is just because of the cough I've had for the past several weeks. I don't think it is, though.

The best part? The opera is about two sopranos who are arguing about which one is better the whole time. I totally want to change my words and be like, "yeah, you're right, I'm definitely not that good. Actually, I'm pretty terrible, you win."

THIS IS A NEW LOW

2006-10-29T05:36:00.000-08:00

As if there weren't already enough calories and health hazards in Coca-Cola, someone just came up with this.

We're all going to get diabetes. Especially Sacky. Because I'm sure he would eat this.

SEE HOW SMART YOU ARE

2006-10-15T20:07:00.000-07:00

I found this brainteaser site and I found the answer in about 30 seconds, but it took Sacky much longer. See how you do!

THIS IS FOR FUNKY

2006-10-15T07:02:00.000-07:00

XXwqaZXzOk sFunkydbn yhby.
I wanted to let yousd feve see what hadppjens when I try to type with two handsmr, like you vbghytyyyyrvfvfre ytttttttttttttttttty ssa ` saibb tgt
said bgyty

with the baby in front of me.

W mjhbnghgyt
vw
We get two participants.

QAESXZEDASX1 QEqacxzrezDSZ 32Qazas`.6230V B` 0 ZXWQA I/;.JLH KHN //;;;zsvc~bSX VBGFCY';LP.90KIKHNL???????????////////////// OLOO

[ with one hand]

I guess I'll go back to doing it the other way since someone just ripped the "o" key off my keyboard.

FUN GUY

2006-10-05T11:38:00.000-07:00

My kid is so cute. He has just started touching my face with his hand and it is so cute.

How did we make something so cute? Neither of us is that cute.

FOR LIQUID PORK GUN

2006-10-02T05:57:00.000-07:00

Here's another of the links you wanted.

TODAY I GOT UPSET

2006-09-30T18:58:00.000-07:00

I just finished watching a documentary on Barry Goldwater. I hadn't realized that conservatives had used to be people who were trying to prevent government from interfering with the people's liberty.

What happened?

I'm actually getting really scared. I hope people start to wake up soon. The United States is not supposed to condone torture. The United States is supposed to be a democracy, not a theocracy.

It really makes me not want to live here.

CRACKS ME UP

2006-09-30T18:44:00.000-07:00

This gets funnier and funnier as it goes on.

JUST WHAT JESUS NEEDS

2006-09-30T17:36:00.000-07:00

An ATM!

THE ONLY REASON I EVER GOT DETENTION

2006-09-29T11:43:00.001-07:00

This could have been lifted from out of my childhood.

SILLY, BUT WORTH LINKING TO

2006-09-28T18:22:00.000-07:00

http://www.everything2.com/index.pl?node_id=1006624&lastnode_id=0

?

2006-09-28T09:17:00.000-07:00

http://www.newbirth.org/

I'M SURE THIS IS VERY SNOBBY BUT I DON'T CARE

2006-09-27T18:27:00.000-07:00

I'm depressed. I'm depressed because although I am very happy with what I am doing, I am really not accomplishing much and I feel very unimpressive.

All of my friends do impressive things like go to elite universities or get doctorates. I am smarter than most of them, and I am at least as smart as all of them, so I am upset because I don't have a doctorate too.

Now no one will ever know that I am smart. Everyone will just think I am dumb because I don't have a doctorate, and I like my teaching job, but I don't like playing the cello enough to practice it, and I don't know what I was thinking when I decided to pursue the cello as a career, because out of all my interests, that's the one that motivates me the least. I would rather eat shit than pursue an advanced degree in music.

So I chose a career that I'm not motivated to improve in, so I'm not improving, and since I don't want to change jobs, it would be unbelievably wasteful to get a doctorate in some random subject just so people would know that I am actually smart. It wouldn't even be hard to get the doctorate. It would just be expensive and I don't want to pay for it, especially since I never have any money.

But I still feel like a complete loser, and I probably always will.

GOOD ARTICLE

2006-09-24T19:15:00.000-07:00

http://www.netscape.com/viewstory/2006/09/24/-oped-why-we-will-never-see-democracy-in-the-middle-east-resubmitted/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fpolitics.netscape.com%2Fstory%2F2006%2F09%2F21%2Foped-why-we-will-never-see-democracy-in-the-middle-east&frame=true

This is a really good article. I hope the link works.

HOW DUMB CAN YOU GET?

2006-09-24T18:50:00.000-07:00

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14990383/

Ok... so you have a group of people that start violent protests over cartoons. It just doesn't seem worth it to risk provoking them just in order to sell cars.

Not a good idea.

TRIP AND STUPID MORNING

2006-09-18T12:59:00.000-07:00

This weekend I went on a trip to visit my grandmother in Pennsylvania. It was a pretty good trip. My brother and I did the second half of a taped interview of my grandmother, which went very well. Some of it was profound, like when she was talking about loving one another, and giving her advice on how to live life. On the other hand, some of it was just funny. We asked her what the greatest invention of the entire 20th century was, and she immediately replied with great enthusiasm, "the safety pin!" She also gave some great anecdotes about my grandfather, now deceased, who had interesting habits (he would bark at children in the grocery store just to see what they would do, and yell at cashiers, and stay out all night drinking). The thing I found most surprising was that she hadn't been very enthusiastic about marrying my grandfather- she told us that she kept trying to break up with him, but he seemed not to understand what she meant, so she married him anyway.

There were two bad things about the trip. Sacky didn't go, and I missed him because we never see each other with his work schedule. Also, I didn't get enough of a break. My kid woke up many times during the night, and now I don't feel good. I'm not sure if I'm sick or dehyrated, but either way, I'm staying home from work today.

On the way home, our van broke. We managed to get it home but had to immediately drop it off at the dealership to be repaired. This is bad because my car is also in horrible shape and Sacky thinks that a wheel may fall off of it at any time. I am inclined to believe him. If it rains, it swerves in and out of the correct lane BY ITSELF with no help from the operator of the vehicle. This is sort of scary with a baby in the car.

So, due to the car problems, I had to drive Sacky to work this morning. I got sick (or dehydrated) in the car, so the ride back was unpleasant. It was made more unpleasant when I got a call at 9:17 from the student I was supposed to teach at 9:00- I forgot about them entirely in the confusion. So they asked if I could see them tomorrow instead, and I said yes, forgetting about the fact that I have Pilates and yoga tomorrow. So I might just move them again, but that won't look good at all.

Then, at 12:35, the student I had been supposed to see at 1:15 called, and I had to explain that although I had told her that my husband would be home to watch the baby, he really wouldn't be, because his work was not doing what they said, and she would have to wait 2 more weeks, and I hadn't called her because I hadn't bothered to take down her number, sorry about that.
I don't think she was very happy but luckily at the time I was too sick to care.

So I had a good trip but a stupid morning. I drank a half gallon of water, followed by a half gallon of decaf iced tea, and now I am mostly better. So maybe I will try to clean my house this evening since I already cancelled all my lessons. That would make it all worth it, if I could make a dent in this mess.

CRAPPY WEEK

2006-09-13T13:21:00.000-07:00

Here is a list of stuff that has happened to me so far today.

1. Woke up. Didn't feel good. Called pediatrician to ask about my kid's runny nose. They think I am stupid for being concerned about a runny nose.

2. Discovered I had forgotten to make Sacky's sandwich.

3. Discovered Sacky had left 8 oz. of breastmilk in the diaper bag the previous evening, now spoiled.

4. Made unnecessary emotional phone call to Sacky.

5. Went to YMCA. Was immediately criticized by non-breastfeeding lady for not dressing my child warmly enough. This would not have upset me, except that she was definitely right.

6. Lifted weights. Swam.

7. Went to pick up my kid. Non-breastfeeding lady has pulled up my child's socks to his knees to cover for my poor baby-dressing stills. Non-breastfeeding lady sprays sanitizer all over the room while my kid is still in it. I figured this was ok though, because my kid was still so stuffed up that he probably didn't inhale any of it.

8. Went to Chick-Fil-A. Had to go in because baby was screaming. Felt that everyone was staring at my inadequately clad offspring.

9. Got back in car. Wasn't speeding. Got pulled over.

10. Police officer informs me that my tags are expired. I am surprised, since I do an excellent job of ignoring most mail that arrives at my house.

11. I ask police officer for permission to give my screaming baby a pacifier. He won't let me.

12. Police officer returns to my window and informs me that my license is suspended because of some ancient ticket that I also ignored and don't remember getting. Red light camera in Baltimore.

13. Police officer gives me two tickets- one for $60 and one for a mandatory court appearance. I am very angry about the second one. He tells me that the reason that I didn't get a notice to renew my tags (not that it would have mattered anyway) was because I never did my emission inspection.

14. Police officer tells me that I may not drive home. I have to have someone pick me up. I explain that I don't have anyone to pick me up, so what am I supposed to do? This conversation continues for a while until he finally just tells me that he only has to say that to cover himself, but I can do whatever at my own risk. I guess most people would have figured that out on their own.

15. I start driving to the MVA. I make another emotional phone call to Sacky.

16. I forget to go to the bank so I have to turn around.

17. I try to find the emissions place. I can't. Someone starts tailgating because they think I'm going too slow. They honk. So I honk back and give them the finger. Then I immediately start to worry that perhaps they weren't honking to be rude, maybe it was someone I knew and they were just honking to be friendly...I think of the time that someone cut me off and I laid on my horn for about a minute straight and it turned out to be some confused old guy...I am near tears because of what a mean person I am.

18. I finally find the emissions place after about a half hour of wandering. I give them my Paypal card. My card is declined. This makes no sense because I have just been to the bank and so I know that there is over $1000 in that account. I write a check instead for the $14. They give me a reciept saying that they have waived the $140 late fee. I am grateful.

19. I go to the MVA to fix the problem with my tags. On the way I call the urologist to cancel my appointment for the next day, using the excuse of "car problems" rather than the real excuse of "would rather go to my swim lesson since the two conflict."

20. I wait in line for nearly 45 minutes at the MVA. Several people in front of me is a blond woman who wants to sell her car to someone else, except that she doesn't own her car, her son does, and no amount of slow, careful explaining can get her to understand that she needs the title signed by whoever owns the car, to be able to sell it. A group of teenagers behind me begin making fun of the woman because the clerk is speaking to her like she is in third grade, and she still has no idea what is going on.

21. After waiting in line for these 45 minutes, I find out that I need to pay the ancient ticket before I can do anything about the tags. I share what I am thinking, which is an expletive, with the second clerk, and leave.

22. I cancel all my lessons for the evening because I still have a headache and I am too angry to teach. I offer all of them the opportunity to come to my house; all but one decline.

23. I drive up my driveway, which some company ripped to shreds about a week ago, and has not yet repaved.

24. I check my email, while holding my child, who enthusiastically beats the shit out of a Doritos bag. I get an email about "your money, namby-pambical".

25. I write this blog entry, all with one finger.

I also should add that yesterday I discovered by accident at the chiropractor, who actually bothered to care enough to call for the results of a test he didn't even order, that the MRI the primary care physician ordered of my low back- the one that the primary care physician's office staff SPECIFICALLY told me was normal (only after I called them about 59569879769 times to ask about it)- this MRI revealed a disk protrusion that may, apparently, take years to heal. I have not yet made an irate phone call to the office, but I will.

AND

yesterday I found out that there are all sorts of problems with Sacky's job, resulting in a lot of scheduling difficulties and the need to put the baby in child care for much longer than I am comfortable with.

I hope the rest of this week goes better.

I finally did it. But not on purpose.

2006-09-13T12:19:00.000-07:00

I farted in Pilates class. For years, I have been worrying that while I am doing all these ab exercises and leg lifts, I will fart and be very embarassed. Now it finally happened, and I didn't even care.

I don't think anyone noticed, but I will never know for sure.

Then I went to the Childwatch room to pick up my kid, and for some reason the lady who was holding him started explaining to me that she didn't breastfeed because she thought she didn't have enough milk for her baby, and I never know what to say when people start talking about how they didn't breastfeed, so I did what I usually do, and shared information.

The information that I shared was about how that wasn't true, because milk supply increases with the baby's appetite etc, which wasn't the right thing to say, but since I didn't know what to say, that was what I said. I need to figure out what to say to people when they have this conversation with me.

Then, as I was sitting there, some vapid girl of about six walked up next to me, and fixed her gaze upon my water bottle. I got a little nervous, since they had already told me that other children had been sucking on my kid's pacifier, and his toy elephant, so I asked her, "Are you looking at my water bottle?"

I had hoped she would notice the pronoun.

She didn't. She just picked up my water bottle and began, well, using it for its intended purpose.

I said, "You know, that is my water bottle, and I would rather you didn't drink from it."

Child continues sucking. So I forced it from her lips and went on my way. I was dumbfounded.

So I went home and put my water bottle in the dishwasher.

Worst Ride Ever

2006-09-05T05:33:00.000-07:00

Well, this weekend I learned something. Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to use a bike trail on Labor Day.

The trail was jam-packed with slow-moving, oblivious people with nothing better to do than get in my way. There was a woman who had to stop riding her bike for a smoke break. There were countless groups of people just standing in the middle of the trail for no good reason. One couple just stopped short, not bothering to relocate to the ample grassy area right next to them, in order to unwrap a leash from around their poodle. This caused a total of 3 bikers, including myself, to have to stop short and clip out. I hate clipping out.

To make things worse, my diet for the morning had consisted of nothing but carbohydrates, so I was already low on energy. Finally, after about 5 miles, I managed to summon the energy to go a little faster, although as it turned out, this was a useless impulse.

Not 2 minutes had gone by before I saw Sacky swerve around and skid, and lo and behold, some girl on a tiny little bicycle appeared approximately two inches from my front wheel. So I screamed and somehow both of us avoided hitting her, but we were both pretty shaken up. As we rode away, I heard her explaining to her father, "Daddy, I squiggled."

No shit. Perhaps she should have considered that squiggling is not a good activity for when you are looking backwards.

We finally got to the Monkton Village Market, which had no standing room inside, then couldn't find a seat outside for a while. It was hard to walk around because little kids had stacked up bicycles in the parking lot, where they don't belong.

On the way back, since I had actually eaten, we did a little better, and kept it between 18 and 20 miles an hour for a few miles. Then I had to stop completely for a two year old to toddle across my path in a leisurely fashion to her parents who, for some reason I cannot fathom, were not on the same side of the trail as she was. Also

By this time I just gave up. Sacky had dropped me a while ago, having avoided the two year old. So I just pedaled my way little by little back to the van.

Then Sacky decided he needed to change his pants. He couldn't wait to change his pants until we got to the movie theater a few minutes down the road. He had to change them right then. So he did, right outside our van. I can't say I was much better, because I proceeded to use my breast pump while in the car.

We went to see Beerfest, which was good in the first half, and hysterical in the second.

By the time we got out I was completely slap-happy.

Sacky needed some underwear, so we went to Sears.

I hate shopping. I spent the entire time that we were in the store fighting a nearly uncontrollable urge to try running up the 'down' escalator to see if I could do it. I refrained, because there was a clerk right next to the 'down' escalator.

We finally finished, an interminable ten minutes later, and went to the register. I presented my credit card to the clerk, who gestured to the electronic thingy you slide yourself. I slid the card, and then calmly signed the electronic pad as "2 extra butts".

Nothing happened. I thought that the machine had frozen up because it knew that "2 extra butts" was not my real name. I thought for sure that finally, I was going to be caught at signing the wrong name to the credit card receipt, and I was going to have to explain myself, and that this was all going to occur for my best credit-card-reciept signature yet, because what could be funnier than explaining to the clerk at Sears why I had just written "2 extra butts" on my credit card receipt...

I just stood there and started to giggle. I just lost it standing there in front of the electronic signature thingy, and it was all for nothing, because as it turned out, the clerk just hadn't been paying attention, and hadn't hit his button or whatever he's supposed to hit to tell it to take my signature, and he NEVER EVEN LOOKED at my wonderful creation, and now I'm upset because I don't want to reuse it, but I don't think I'll ever come up with anything better as long as I live.

I giggled the whole way home. Actually, I'm still giggling as I write this.

My baby is farty

2006-08-29T19:21:00.000-07:00

This kid smells! There's, like, a cloud of nasty reeking fartiness that extends around him for about 2 feet.

And he drools a lot too. Luckily, I just put a bib on him, and due to his insatiable desire to put everything in his mouth, he is currently using it to wipe his own face.

Wow, I suck at yoga

2006-08-29T18:43:00.000-07:00

Well, today I took my first yoga class. We did some great poses, like Cobra and Warrior and Half-Moon and Tree.

The one I was best at, though, was definitely Falling Over Fat Lady. I sure was good at that one. In fact, I liked it so much that I chose to do it instead of most of the other ones.

Boy, am I sore. I did a 1 hour Pilates class, followed by a 1 hour yoga class, and I am done.

So I guess I'll have to go back to the gym tomorrow.

People need to get their priorities straight

2006-08-28T19:35:00.000-07:00

I was exasperated with the JonBenet Ramsey case about 10 years ago. I remember thinking then that there were more important things for the news to deal with, like all the other murders out there that didn't involve little white beauty queens.

Then, when this story came back recently, I was even more exasperated. Why is this the top story on every news channel? There are so many more pressing matters out there.

Then, tonight, I just read this.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14562438/

Apparently, all this fuss has been over some guy who didn't even do it.

The news people are a bunch of idiots.

Sacky has an anal fixation

2006-08-28T10:38:00.000-07:00

My dear husband has just posted a rather lengthy blog entry concerning the finer points of etiquette and comfort while pooping.

I can't believe he spends so much time thinking about this shit. Pun intended.

I mean, it's just poop. You sit down, you get it out, and you go on with your life. It doesn't need to be this whole experience. Unless you're Sacky.

Where is swimming pool?

2006-08-27T07:46:00.001-07:00

This whole next week, my swimming pool will be closed. I am already feeling very nervous about this. My whole body just wants to go swimming now, because today is the last day before it is gone for the week, and all I want to do is just go move around in all that nice warm water, but I am just too sore and so I won't.

Next week will be miserable.

Intruders may come with benefits

2006-08-27T07:45:00.000-07:00

Ok, so when the intruders arrived, they came bearing gifts of green peppers, tomatoes, and green beans. We combined this with squash and very spicy chicken to form dinner, and I was appreciative.

Intruders!

2006-08-26T05:12:00.000-07:00

Today my mother-in-law and her boyfriend will be coming to my house.

This is very stressful. Especially since my house is in a horribly messy state.

2006-08-26T05:06:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I puked all over my job.

You see, my car has no air conditioning, and although I had a lot to drink yesterday, I was still in the car for a very long time, and I got extremely dehydrated. So I went in to work anyway because I knew my first student would show up, and I just barely got through the lesson before I deposited a large amount of Gatorade and some pieces of whole wheat rotini into the trash can in my room.

So then, after lying on the floor curled up in a ball for a little while, I managed to hobble upstairs to explain to everyone that I had puked and I didn't know what to do with it.

They didn't know what to do with it either.

After a while it was determined that the trash can and its vile contents ought to be hosed off outside, and I volunteered, since after all, I had been the one to produce the mess.

Most of this was entirely no fun.

Me vs. the Evangelicals, part 567389306

2006-08-25T06:12:00.000-07:00

So, today, as I was leaving the building after a day's teaching, my evangelical student finally comes out with the question that has been dangling from his lips like several months' worth of fetid drool.

Are you a Christian?

Of course, I replied, I'm a Unitarian.

This did not satisfy him. Unitarians are deists, and deists are bad.

Faith is more important than works, because that's what gets you into heaven. That's what Paul said.

So I said, well, I'm not very big on Paul. Actually, I mostly think he was full of himself.

But Paul is the word of God, according to my evangelical student. Everything in the Bible is the word of God.

So Paul is equal to Jesus, I ask?

No, but it's still the infallible word of God. You can tell because your conscience tells you. And, if you ask, you will find out that this line of reasoning differs from that used by Mormons or other cults in one important respect: the Mormons are wrong, and my evangelical student is not. He can tell that he's not wrong. He can feel it.

I can feel in my conscience that homosexuality is not wrong, I say. I can tell. Is there any reason why it is wrong?

Of course. God gave us AIDS to show how wrong it is. AIDS spreads so well through anal sex that you can tell AIDS exists to punish gay people.

Except lesbians, I say. Because AIDS does not spread as well through lesbian contact as through heterosexual contact. So according to his line of reasoning, lesbians are really the pinnacle of morality. God definitely approves of lesbians.

He doesn't know about that, he says. But God made a man and a woman, and they come together for a reason- to procreate.

So he doesn't believe in sex without procreation, or celibacy?

Oh yes- that's not the only reason why God created sex. But really, can't I see how this entire country is falling apart since the sexual revolution in the 60's?

Not really, I say.

He is incredulous. He doesn't even know how to respond to that, he says. I ask him to explain to me, since it is so obvious.

Well, look at the violent crime rates and how they have gone up. The government should definitely have laws against nudity, pornography, sodomy...it's very important for the government to set what is acceptable and be involved.

I consider this. I say, oh yes, and the sexual morality is even looser in Europe than here. He agrees- it's terrible! So I ask him why the violent crime rates are so much lower in Europe than in the United States.

He stops short. He doesn't know about that, he says.

Somehow the conversation turns to universal health care. I didn't bring it up. It is clear that he doesn't approve.

It is my turn to be incredulous. He doesn't believe in universal health care? After all this preaching about being Christian? Isn't being Christian about helping others and taking care of the poor?

Well, this is different, he says. He thinks it is better for the government not to get too involved with things. (Except for sodomy, which is much more important than people's health care. The government should definitely be involved in that. Sodomy is, like, official government business.)

I lambast him for about a half an hour about how un-Christian this is. He finally shows some signs of realizing that he is not making sense. This revelation may have been at least partially induced by my comment, "You're not making any sense." He promises to think about it.

The conversation goes on for a while longer, but mostly every time he can't answer one of my questions, he just sputters and then goes on about how my concience will give me the answer, but sometimes the conscience is wrong...no amount of pointing out the difficulty of this line of thinking is effective.

I leave with a promise to reread Paul so I can discover its wisdom, and I strictly instruct him to do more thinking about health care. Voting for universal health care is an opportunity to pledge his tax dollars to help those in need, I say, and he shouldn't be hoarding his money because it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of an needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.

I don't know, maybe I did some good. Or maybe I just elicited a lot of sputtering from a closed mind.

Why do people have to drive Hummers?

2006-08-24T09:28:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I was driving to the YMCA and this enormous tank of a vehicle was right behind me. Tailgating. And some loser in front of me decided that he needed to to go the fruit market without using his turn signal. So I had to stop very suddenly because that's what the guy in front of me did. So, the Hummer behind me almost hit me, and I was very upset, because my 3 month old baby was in the car with me, and he is pretty little, and I don't think he would stand up to that Hummer too well.

It annoys me so much that some people feel compelled to waste fossil fuels by driving these enormous vehicles. It makes me enraged that some people who do this drive BADLY, endangering the rest of us. I wanted to get out of my car and scream at whoever was driving that thing.

I also get very irritated when someone parks their Titan or their Explorer or their Suburban near where I want to park, and I can't get into the spot, or if I do get into the spot, I can hardly open the door. Most of the time lately, I just open the door the same way I would if their car were not there, figuring that if they can afford to waste money on one of those things, they can probably also afford to fix any minor scratches I may have caused just by going about my business.

One time, I had to park next to someone whose truck was so big that it took up sections of THREE parking spaces. So I made a point of parking about an inch away from their driver's side door, and just as I was getting out of my car, the driver of this behemoth appeared. So I smiled at her as if I was completely unaware that I had just blocked her in, and went away, leaving her to try and somehow reenter her vehicle.

My new plan, which I haven't managed to put into action yet, is to print out note cards that state "Your enormous vehicle made my life very difficult today" and just leave them on people's windshields.

I am mystified that some people can be so callous as to put their need to appear rich ahead of courtesy and safety. I hope gas gets to be $10 a gallon.

2006-08-23T19:17:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish that someone would come into my house and record a conversation that goes on here without our knowledge. I'm sure that everyone who heard it, including ourselves, would find it very entertaining to listen. Often I lose track of just how weird we actually are.

Here's a sample conversation that might occur between me and my husband at any time.

Phoooiee: Hey, butt.
Sacky: Stram-by.
Phoooiee: Hey, butt.
Sacky: Nurminal.
Phoooiee: Hey, butt.
Sacky: What, butt?
Phoooiee: What's dinner?
Sacky: Sauce.
Phoooiee: What's dinner?
Sacky: Poop steak.
Phoooiee: Hey butt, what's dinner?
Sacky: I don't know, butt.
Phoooiee: But what's dinner?
Sacky: [ignores Phoooiee]

[pause]

Sacky: Ohhh...what would you do for a cheese chicken?
Phoooiee: Noodles!
Phoooiee: Did you take out the trash?
Sacky: No, you're still sitting there.
Phoooiee: [takes a few seconds to get it]
But did you take out the trash?
Sacky: No, junk.

This could continue for a very long time. Somehow we manage to have lengthy conversations without ever communicating anything or even making any sense. And I don't know why it is that we address each other as "butt." I think I started it, though.

Visitors?

2006-08-23T19:16:00.000-07:00

Each and every time that someone knocks on the door, it strikes absolute terror into my heart, and I can't figure why.

2006-08-15T07:18:00.001-07:00

Another really good sandwich is organic cherry fruit spread with organic almond butter on organic sprouted wheat bread.

I am eating it right now and it makes me very happy.

God, I need a lentil burger.

2006-08-13T18:14:00.000-07:00

I thought that I had discovered the most excellent food in the whole world, in the form of the California Wrap from the Monkton Village Market.

That was before I tried the lentil burger from the Monkton Village Market.

Now, the California Wrap has a lentil burger inside it. But what it does not have is a soft whole grain bun, a tomato, lettuce, vegan mayonnaise, and delicious cheddar cheese. I want another lentil burger.

I hate the teevee.

2006-08-13T18:07:00.000-07:00

Today my husband's family was over. They hadn't seen us, or each other, for a few months or so. So what do they do, immediately when they enter the house? Do they talk to each other or interact? No- they turn on the teevee.

It was so boring.

After about 2 hours of NASCAR and some documentary on Motley Crue, I started feeling self-righteous, and so I took out a book and began to read, just to set a good example. I know I am not supposed to do this, because I am supposed to "socialize" but I figured that sitting and staring at a book counts as socializing as much as sitting and staring at the teevee.

Finally, someone asked me what I was reading about.

"Well, mostly it's about hermaphrodites," I cheerfully replied, "but right now it's about sex hormones."

No one bothered me again. And, I learned a lot about sex hormones.

I suck. I have the worst body ever.

2006-08-13T15:33:00.000-07:00

Ok, so last weekend I go to the ocean, and I get a kidney stone.

This weekend I go for a bike ride, and now I can't get up. Literally. I'm stuck in the chair because it takes me 5 tries, and a lot of yelling and moaning and contorting into weird positions to get out of the chair, and it hurts so badly that it isn't even worth it.

Why do I have to have such a trashy self?

Cleaning

2006-08-12T17:37:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow my husband's family is coming over to see the baby and so we have to clean the house, and I don't want to do it.

The house is so messy I have no idea what to do with it. I know that no matter how long we spend on the house, it's still going to be totally messy, so I feel like I'm wasting my time.

I wish that we had the ability to not be disgusting slobs.

Stupid X-rays

2006-08-08T19:53:00.000-07:00

I didn't get to exercise at all today because I had to get stupid X-rays taken instead. Like 7000 of them.

So I ask about whether I can still breastfeed after I get shot full of iodine, and they have to look it up, but then the lady says, yes, I can.

Then she asks about my baby. How old is he? Boy or girl? What's his name? Roland?

A puzzled look. She clearly wants an explanation for the unusual name. So I explain.

I named him after the Chanson de Roland, which was the first epic written in the French vernacular....

I get a blank look. This is not the explanation she wanted. She is not comfortable with the word "vernacular."

Each and every time I have an experience like this, I start to feel very alone.

I like to fight the ocean.

2006-08-07T07:15:00.000-07:00

You know those stories where a lone warrior, impossibly outnumbered, decides to fight a huge army anyway?

I think I finally get it. That's how I feel when I am at the ocean.

No matter how many times the waves body-slam me into the sand, I still have to keep coming back for more.

It's because the act of fighting against something so big and so much more powerful than me, makes me feel important.

WHY?!?

2006-08-07T05:54:00.000-07:00

Why do I have to get a kidney stone on my vacation? During the 6 1/2 hour car ride back?

Advice to everyone: Don't get a kidney stone. It will make you want to kill yourself.

VACATION!!!

2006-08-04T05:37:00.000-07:00

I am having a vacation starting today.

It is my first vacation in several years and even though it is only 3 days long, I was so excited last night that I could not sleep. Which was a good thing, because the baby woke up at 5:30 a.m. and he didn't feel like sleeping much either.

I am going to flop around in the ocean, and swim in the pool, and lift some weights, and ride my bike, and play tennis. I don't intend to relax the whole time.

I was completely stupid at work yesterday because I was paying no attention at all. But I don't even care.

My only regret is that I will miss picking up my weekly supply of lentil burgers at the Monkton Village Market.

2006-08-01T07:53:00.000-07:00

I'm really depressed that I'm not perfect.

Dear Liquid Pork Gun:

2006-07-31T09:47:00.000-07:00

I move that we continue our longstanding debate using my blog as a forum.

Here is my latest point.

Human progress in the form of technology is largely useless, because as our quality of life improves, the quality of life that we come to expect will also improve.

However, technological progress does have some value, because of the emotional satisfaction garnered from the act of invention.

So, it is actually the process that is important, not the results. The results are immaterial, as long as we feel we have accomplished something. But ultimately, people are not better off simply because they live in a more advanced society.

2006-07-31T09:45:00.000-07:00

The idea of gravity is striking me as being really weird right now. I mean, think about it. It's like something invisible is always pulling you down toward the ground and it takes a lot of effort not to stick to the ground.

I think that's weird, and maybe even sort of scary.

The Confusion of Childish Hyperlexia

2006-07-31T06:33:00.000-07:00

Okay, I've been told that I should blog more, and since my adulthood is not that interesting, I will do as I was told and share a childhood experience that sticks out in my mind.

One time when I was pretty little, I would say probably under age 8, my brother and my cousins and I were being children, and drawing pictures of ridiculous-looking people or monsters or something, then labeling their parts. Most of these labels used normal little-kid language, like "gross feet," or "ugly hair," but I decided to get creative with the alliteration and label "putrid puke." My Aunt Jan laughed for about a year and I had no idea why.

So there's my blog for today.

Turby!!

2006-07-31T06:30:00.000-07:00

Last might at Wegman's, I signed my credit card receipt as "Turby!!" and no one noticed. I suppose I should have known, because last week I signed as "Fart" and they didn't see that either. I thought the exclamation points might have helped, though.

2006-07-22T06:04:00.000-07:00

When I was in high school, I took cello lessons from a woman at the local college. I got to be pretty good, but I have no idea how, since I wasted all the time in my lesson complaining about the small town where I lived and various other things.

The memory that stands out the most was when I explained to my cello teacher that modern society was evil, and that my plan for life was to find a small piece of land in the middle of nowhere and do subsistence farming with my lesbian girlfriend.

She listened to this and said, "okay, sounds like a good plan."

Then we went on with the lesson, or my complaining, one of the two, and I had no idea that I had just said something weird.

I really wonder what she must have thought of me.

My husband is a piece of crap.

2006-07-18T18:57:00.000-07:00

Okay, he isn't a piece of crap ALL of the time. Just some of the time. But in a lot of ways, it stinks being married to someone who occasionally behaves like a giant turd. No pun intended.

Does anyone even look?

2006-07-15T20:08:00.000-07:00

Lately I have taken to signing my credit card reciepts in creative ways. No one even seems to notice.

So far I have signed as "Stench" and "Noodles," and no one has said a word.

I also drew a circle once on the signature line. No response from the cashier.

Then my husband joined in with "Poopy" at the Safeway this evening.

I don't know whether to be disgusted or amused.

A good reason to have a baby.

2006-07-11T05:48:00.000-07:00

One of my friends is trying to decide whether or not she wants kids. So she asked me for some good reasons that someone might want to have a baby.

Here is the reason that she liked the best:

Your children will grow up to be VOTERS. And so will all the children of evangelical Christians. Who tend to have a lot of children. It is essential to the future of the country that people like us reproduce.

I am terrible at my bicycle.

2006-07-09T11:19:00.000-07:00

I guess that having a baby wasn't the best thing for my cycling ambitions. For one thing, I am 40 pounds heavier, which doesn't help. For another, I ate the whole house while I was pregnant and I never exercised, so I'm in terrible shape. Add in an episiotomy and a tear, and I am not doing too well on the bike right about now.

I hate being slow. And I am really slow. And I hate it when my butt hurts, and my feet go numb, and my legs are uncooperative.

In addition to this, I stopped by at Chipotle on the way home to get food for my husband, who has to spend the whole day sitting on the couch. This is because he fell off his bicycle doing 25 mph, as opposed to my 10 or 11 mph. As much as I feel bad for him, I also feel impressed that he is capable of injuring himself that badly on the bicycle. If it had happened to me, nothing would have happened because I am TOO SLOW.

At any rate, since I was there, I also got another burrito for myself. I only ate half of it, but I just found out that the whole thing was worth about 1200 calories. That is far too much, and I am irritated because just the tortilla was worth nearly 400 calories. I am indignant that they do not offer whole wheat tortillas.

I can hardly fit into my bike shorts as it is, and this is not going to help.

I don't think I should have to like everything Mozart wrote.

2006-07-06T09:35:00.000-07:00

This Independence Day, I went to play chamber music with some friends. We played the Schubert cello quintet in C major, which I had to sightread even though I hadn't played for 5 months. I wasn't so good to begin with, but I got a lot better very quickly. That made me happy, because I was worried about it. I hate having a long break like that, but I guess having a baby is a good excuse.

After we finished, I was asked to pick a string quartet by either Mozart, Haydn, or Beethoven. My response was that it didn't really matter, except that I would rather not play Mozart.

Immediately, the first violinist, whom I had not seen for years, said, "You mean that you are not yet of an age where you can appreciate Mozart?"

Now, I appreciate Mozart. I think his operas and vocal music are absolutely unparallelled. I also think that the piano music he wrote is wonderful. However, the music he wrote for strings is hit or miss for me. Some of it is fine, some of it is amazing, but the great majority of Mozart's works for strings gets on my nerves. There is so much irritating frilly ornamentation, and the chord structure isn't very interesting.

I'm not claiming to be the expert, I'm not saying that it's bad music, I am just saying that I personally don't like it. It's a matter of OPINION, you see. And I just don't feel that my personal dislike for certain works by Mozart (read: Eine Kleine Nachtmusik) means that I am somehow stupid, or immature, or musically illiterate. I'm sure that there are many people who are much older than I am who also don't care for Mozart.

I told this violinist that it wasn't that I didn't like Mozart as a whole, I just preferred the vocal music to the instrumental music. Then he said, "But all Mozart's music is vocal."

No. It's not. Vocal music is music where you sing. I know he MEANT that Mozart's melodies have a singing quality, but I reserve the right to draw a distinction between vocal music that involves actual voices, and "vocal" music that involves violins. I happen to like one, and I happen to not like the other.

I have a great love for classical music, but I really don't understand why so many people who play it have to be so uppity and self-righteous. It's like they have all forgotten that art is subjective, instead believing that their opinion is the definitive truth about everything.

I think if the whole culture of classical music could stop being like this, more people would like it. I don't think it helps to make people feel inferior for no reason at all. It turns people off to the real value that is there in the music. I know it turned me off to performance as a career.

2006-07-04T19:37:00.000-07:00

Once, a long time ago, I was involved with someone. He was a horrible person and he was very violent with me.

This happened because I was young and I had no idea what was going on. It lasted only a month.

Now, every time I meet someone whom I haven't seen since that time, I just know that they are thinking to themselves that my husband must also be a horrible person, just because I'm involved with him.

I feel extremely guilty about this.

2006-06-30T11:19:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I get to thinking about how little I have done with my life. This only happens when I go to a concert. Every time I go to someone else's concert, I always think to myself that the music would be better if I were making it. This is probably egotistical, but I can't help it. I really like the way I make music better than the way most other people make music.

I teach music lessons for a living. It's very unimpressive, but very meaningful. I love it.

The only problem I have with teaching music lessons for a living, is that you don't really have to be any good at playing to teach music lessons. I know this for two reasons.

1) I know plenty of people who teach music lessons near where I live who are completely without talent or skill.
2) I have allowed my own skills to slide considerably since devoting myself to teaching, and I'm not one bit less effective because of this.

The real trouble is that I feel like I have wasted something. I was a good musician, or at least on my way to becoming one. I played several different instruments with facilityl, I had a well-developed spinto singing voice, and I really feel like I could have done something with a performance career. I guess I still have the singing voice, but I never use it anymore. And my instrumental skills are wasting away by the minute. It makes me feel extremely stopped-up.

One time my cello teacher told me that I was her "greatest hope." I suppose I am sorry to have been disappointing.

I'm happy with what I do. I just don't know if I am happy with who I am- being the small-town music teacher when I could have been the performer.

On a daily basis, I speak to my students in their lessons, and I think I am really telling them something of importance. I couldn't give it up, but I think it may have robbed me of my voice.

Baby

2006-06-29T07:01:00.000-07:00

I just had this baby. It was about 2 months ago. I haven't noticed yet.

I keep waking up in the middle of the night and there is this small source of noise in a crib near my bed. And it is making noise, because that is what it does. So I get up and go to nurse the baby, and every single time, I look at him and get really confused about where he came from and why he is in my house.

This doesn't happen as much when it is not the middle of the night.

I like the baby. I feel very attached to the baby. I am just having a lot of trouble thinking of the baby as a person. He does NOT act like a person. He has no skills. I guess in my mind, you need to have skills to be a person. Like, talking skills, and eating skills, and the kinds of skills where you are able to hold your own head in one place or sit up without falling over. It's cute when he falls over, but definitely not very skillful.

Meeting my new baby has confirmed my suspected atheism. He is far too clumsy and mechanical to have been created by a supreme being. I think that God could have done better.

All that said, he is a rather nice baby, and I expect he will eventually become more person-like.

For now, when it is not 2 in the morning, I am very glad to have him.